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  • Justin Louallen

The Top 10 Worst Films Of 2013

Well, the wait is finally here. Here's my list of the top 10 worst movies I saw in 2013 that in my opinion either pissed me off or were so unwatchable with little or no redeeming qualities. Here we go:

  1. Inappropriate Comedy (This movie was so unwatchable, I really wanted to turn it off after 10 minutes. Nothing whatsoever about this film worked. I hated every single joke in this. Its' offensive humor for the sake of being offensive without any purpose whatsoever and I had to sit through 83 minutes of unfunny, racist, retarded and most of all, tame humor that I did not laugh once for. I hated Movie 43, but this is the shit that comes out of your ass that you forgot to wipe.).

  2. A Good Day To Die Hard- ( This was Die Hard? John McClane is nowhere in this film. Bruce Willis is asleep, shitty action, God awful dialogue, no wit, no charm, short running time, no chemistry whatsoever with John and Jack, shitty villains and the most ridiculous shaky cam action I have ever seen in a film. This was so bad that it makes Live Free Or Die hard look like Die Hard 1 in comparison. I hated this movie. The only reason I didn't put this on number 1 was because Jai Courtney was at least trying in the film as far as his performance, but, the rest, no.)

  3. Movie 43 ( Every single actor/actress should be ashamed of being in this film. This movie took 3 years to come out and every one in this looks embarrassed to be in this. every skit was stupid, the jokes were so juvenile and unfunny, and the only skit that I thought was descent was the one with Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville with the Leprechaun, but, even that was being generous. fuck this movie).

  4. After Earth - (What was Will Smith thinking when he decided to have his son Jaden be the star of a science fiction film? M. Night Shamayalan is not to blame this time. Will Smith and Jaden Smith do not have great chemistry in this movie. Will is so emotionless and bored that he might as well just been a robot the entire time and I didn't know it. Jaden is worse. He is whiny, zero charismatic, unemotional, and just really a bore to watch. The script is so thin that it amazes me how there is no twist at all in this movie. This movie could work as like a so bad it's funny movie like The Happening, but that's if you're really drunk with a group of friends and want to watch all of these actors speaking like they are Morgan Freeman with a murky accent. This movie sucks).

  5. Texas Chainsaw 3D - ( The concept seems good on paper. It's a direct sequel to the original 1974 Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but, what really fucks up the concept is that filmmakers didn't know what year this film was supposed to take place. Is it the 90s? the 2000s? When you fuck up the continuity, you know your movie is already screwed. Besides that, every single one of these characters I did not give a shit about. I don't care who lives or dies and when you try to make Leatherface sympathetic as an anti hero, you double fuck your movie on changing what made the first Texas Chainsaw so scary. Ugh, I was surprised this movie made money at the box office, because now, it's getting a sequel. I'll watch every one of the other Chainsaw movies 10x over this piece of shit.)

  6. The Lone Ranger -(This bore me to tears. I love Johnny Depp, but he needs to stop playing Jack Sparrow in every single one of his blockbuster films. This movie is 2 and a half hours of Tonto, that's right, Tonto telling the story on how The Lone Ranger, who is a complete pussy and unengaging character on getting revenge on his brother's death. and Spoiler alert, that shit could've ended after 1 hour and 30 mins. The action scenes are so clunky and badly edited and the only worthwhile that I liked was the last 20 mins on the train that at least has some descent set pieces and action, but, even that cant save the rest of this bloated, long, and boring box office bomb. Sorry Johnny, you should try something different for once).

  7. Scary Movie 5 - (What else is there to say about this movie? First of all, I loved the first 2 Scary Movies, but, this, no, this shit is getting old. I'm tired of seeing these parody movies where you're making fun of shit that doesn't even make sense and movies that wouldn't even belong in a parody movie. Why the fuck am I watching a spoof of Paranormal Activity, when they are spoofing other shit like Rise of the planet of the apes and Inception? Also, here's an advice to make a parody, don't have your actors act like complete dumbasses and knowing that they are in a comedy. Instead, have them play it straight and actually have them act like it's a legit movie. Case in point, watch the original Airplane and Naked Gun Movies. that's how you make parody work. with the exception of the opening scene with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, this movie did not make me laugh.).

  8. Paranoia - (This is one of the worst espionage films I have seen. Liam Hemsworth needs to take more acting lessons from his brother Chris. He is completely unlikable, he doesn't know how to show emotion, and he lacks any charisma whatsoever. This entire concept is about Liam Hemsworth going in to infiltrate Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford's cell phone companies to work for both of them without going to jail for fraud, and it's really remarkable how much I was not thrilled or engaged with this story. This kind of concept wouldn't have even worked in the 90s when cell phones were still on the cusp of getting popular. Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman look like they do not want to be in the film at all and the only scene I thought was kind of cool was when both of them are confronting each other about their firm going down and it feels the closest those 2 have on reuniting from their 1997 action film Air force one. ugh, and don't even get me started on Amber Heard. She is really hot and beautiful, but, her character is so highly unlikable and pointless that Liam Hemsworth wastes his time on getting her because it's pretty clear in the film that she's only into him as a one night stand at the beginning. I can see how something like this bombed at the box office, and that's a shame because Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford deserve a better script and movie than this.)

  9. The Hangover Part III - ( Where do I even start? I realize that Todd Phillips wanted to do a different concept instead of using the same exact formula that was in the other 2 movies, but, even that fucks up the entire movie because none of this movie worked. Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Justin Bartha, all of those guys who have showed such wonderful talent are completely wasted in this film. Zach Galifinakis has become one of the worst comedians I have seen ever since he started doing that same shtick by playing a man child character like Will Ferrell, but even Will Ferrell does better at that. This movie doesn't even feel like a comedy. it's more of an action film. Where was the humor? I see different shit happening, sure, but that doesn't make a good movie. Not to mention, it seems like this was Leslie Chow's movie since he takes up a majority of screen time and it kept reminding me of City Slickers 2: Curly's Gold as far as the concept of his wanting his gold back. ugh, and after seeing the ending of the movie, I was just so glad it was over because I never want to watch another one of these after this piece of shit. You thought Part 2 was bad at doing the same thing? Guess what, at least that movie wanted to have more ambition and wanted to at least top the first one. this? no. god no. it's the worst of the wolf pack. ).

  10. Only God Forgives - (I was really disappointed in the film. I was huge fan of Drive from 2011 and I was really looking forward to this with Ryan Gosling and the director of Drive again, but, oh no. Ryan Gosling is so emotionless and brooding and is not intimidating in the least. this is him the entire time: '__'. our hero ladies and gentleman. not to mention, this entire plot goes nowhere. Gosling plays a drug dealer, (which I didn't know until about 45 minutes into the film, and he wants revenge on the Lt. in Bangkok who killed his brother that raped and murdered a 14 year old girl. Do I really want to root for a guy who shows zero emotion, has almost no lines of dialogue, and kills just 1 guy and get his ass beat by the Lt. who always kills people with a samurai sword? No. I don't. The only reason I put this movie low on the list was because I have to admit, it is really well made. The cinematography is gorgeous and the director of Drive really knows where to point the camera and use mood and music for the violence that occurs, but, that's being pretty lenient. Fuck this movie. ).

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